Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced. ~ James Baldwin
I have been doing a lot of thinking and contemplating about my lack of progress in the area of health/weight loss. The hard truth is it WON’T happen with the level of drinking I am currently at. I am not those that has the ‘moderate’ amounts when I decide to have some. It’s never just one or two when I do allow myself drinks. And so – it means I have to decide what I want most. I have to stop thinking of what I have to ‘give up’ and perhaps focus more on what I have to GAIN (and the weight I have to lose) by making more of my days AF.
My initial intention was to make all of June AF – until my mini holiday July 1 to 5th. I then was able to get 9 consecutive days in a row AF and then a few days later one more day – but none since then. I start my mornings with the intention to make changes – but by the time the afternoon rolls around I develop a ‘fuck it’ attitude and it’s NOT healthy.
The 30lbs I’ve packed back on – I’m feeling it in that my energy levels are lower. Activities are harder or not as fun (as I’m embarrassed to be seen out and don’t like how I look when I see my reflection or profile in the mirror – my body image and self-esteem SUCKS). And so it’s a matter of digging into my true priorities instead of just letting go and coasting through my days. I need to think of NOW and be present – but I also have to consider what my ‘now’ actions are costing my future life. I honestly don’t want to feel like this anymore. And while I shouldn’t put off today what I can do NOW… I know realistically that when I go away for my mini vacation/camping – there will be lots of drinking and I know I won’t be up to abstaining then … I need to really just figure out a way to ease into this because I know my history (and my blogs attest to my back and forth about where I stand on this issue). I’m a rebel who doesn’t like to be told I can’t do something – but then again – I know in order to achieve certain goals my behaviors and actions will have to change.
I just need to find the motivation to dig in deep and just DO IT!!