I should post this one in the kitchen, on my mirrors, wherever I may be tempted to revert to old patterns. I honestly want a different future and reading some blogs today about those who have had months or years of sobriety gives me hope.
My battle remains about whether I want or can quit for good – but the idea of living a better life is my ultimate goal.
I know I can change – but I also know it’s going to take time and sometimes some failures (as I am back at day 2 today). I guess the important thing is to continue to be accountable and to keep coming here – if for nothing else than to gain strength from the words of others in the sober blogging world.
As I wrap up this day – I observe some of what I went through today. Not as much of a ‘high’ feeling as I had yesterday. The voices came calling this afternoon, but I had a bite to eat (was hungry) and then got busy and they faded. Now almost bed time for me and I am feeling hungry again – I guess the coping of eating to get my ‘fill’ of something I feel is missing. I tried to snack on healthy things but removed myself from downstairs and in my room now, blogging and then will call it a day/night.
Big day tomorrow as I meet with the lawyer about the support issues. 10 years is a long time to let it ride and I know that this will bring up some ‘shit’ and maybe even cost me more than I can afford, but it’s something that must be done. I hope to stay strong after the meeting to get my day 3 in.
I am also thinking of the decluttering and wonder about things like old photo albums with exes and even pictures that perhaps give me memories that I should leave in the past. I honestly am not sure if hanging on to those perhaps is my grasp of holding on to the past. I figure maybe if I want to make real changes, as I prepare for this move, that I don’t move anything into the new place that reminds me of that negative past… It’s a BIG task but one that will be cleansing I imagine. It’s all work to prepare for my NEW future and NEW beginnings.
Hope to stay strong to keep my AF streak going. Wish me DETERMINATION (because as someone pointed out – it has nothing to do with luck but sheer WILL).