This journey is not entirely new for me – the road to sobriety as I’ve tried to hop on the sober car a few times and fell off because I was too tempted by that VOICE calling to me for what was to be the instant gratification that alcohol would give me…
The past few days have been good for me in that I have that ‘good feeling’ about staying AF right now and the cravings are not calling me. Instead I am experiencing that clarity and partial euphoria that comes with knowing I can maybe finally KICK this and succeed!
I’m grateful to Belle who has taken time out to point something out to me about this journey of mine… in that my lack of self-confidence or my belief or should I say dis-belief in the fact that I am a strong person who CAN do this – has led to my giving up or giving in … living out the hurt from many harsh relationships/words of my past of those who never really believed in me and put me down in so many ways.
My self-esteem has been something that was really taken away through my childhood and adult relationships, some abusive incidences and I guess my belief that I wasn’t good enough and that ‘ya maybe they are right – I can’t do this’… But THANK YOU Belle… for pointing out that this is not the case. I needed that kick in the ass to stand up and fight for this new life I’m going for.
I have a lot of dreams and things I want to pursue and so many times I’ve let go of them because I’ve fallen back to old patterns – but I believe I’m at a point to move to another step on this journey – maybe that crossing of the bridge if you will to really contemplate life without booze. I hesitate to profess that though still … for fear of looking too far into the future so I’m working on simply being here … or again as Belle put it… “STAY HERE” … in the moment and just BE.
The sober car ride is pretty smooth right now and the skies are clear and bright. Here’s to closing off another day AF – bring on day 5 tomorrow!!