Despite a really tough month – I believe that my future is truly bright and beautiful. I have been dealing with many challenges – including using the old coping mechanism of drinking to get by… but as I sit here to write this blog – I feel that things are coming to a head… and I need to set some serious REAL goals again.
I know that I don’t want to be one of those that quits forever. I don’t qualify myself as an alcoholic – although I know that I drink more than many and more often than I should.
In the midst of some very difficult challenges at home with my teen daughters – I’m grasping and feeling like sometimes I’m slipping back to a dark place – yet I’m not – because I’m here!! When I first joined and started blogging here – I had these HUGE goals … I kept counting and setting up targets… and then I’d rebel and say – hell I don’t need to quit – I’m ok. But truth is – when the balance gets out of whack as it is a bit now – I recognize that I’m not so ok and that while the comfort of booze helps soothe my pain, I must learn to deal with healthier coping mechanisms.
July 1st is around the corner – and I have SO much coming up. I’ve stepped up to serve as president for my association. I have a goal to complete another certification. I want to get fit and toned. I want to be in a better place financially. I want to help my daughters live a happy and healthy life. There are MANY HUGE changes coming for me and my girls…
I need to be HERE and aware… I need to stop the numbing process and start the living process (even if it involves some discomfort and pain). My writing continues to be my solace… and today I received a sign that perhaps I need to focus on that again too soon… and perhaps follow that dream to write as a means to earn some extra income… ah so many things to explore and do… If I am honest with myself – there’s not much time for drinking if I’m going to get all the things done that I want to do!!
My future is Bright and life is good… I need to focus on that!
This journey of transformation is indeed a present activity in that we have to be in the moment to make those changes happen. Sometimes we pre-occupy ourselves by thinking ahead too much – and we end up sabotaging our progress.
Since my last post – my trip to Barbados has come and gone. And the month of May was very light on AF days (only managed 2) so I’m focusing on changing that up for this month starting today. I finished the last couple of coolers in the house and while I went so far as to the liquor store, in the store… I walked out empty handed.
I ended up eating more than I wanted to as well – but I figured it was more important that I not drink anymore. The nervous energy I have and the anxiety I know are due to a month of too much regular drinking. While I did not get drunk except on one night while on vacation – drinking every day and then having to get the DAY 1 in again is always the hardest step. I know that once I have one day under my belt, I start to feel better and looking to get a good streak in to clean the system out.
I’m not going to obsess on a future goal or number, but I’m simply going to take it one day at a time.
I read the book Between Drinks written by David Downie and I particularly like the CT mode he refers to – the Clear Thinker/Thinking that comes when we take a break from drinks. There are many milestone things coming up in the next month – with my oldest hopefully graduating (she’s been home schooling and has one course left to finish up) and my youngest hopefully managing to scrape through the last 3 weeks of school (it’s been a real tough year for her with her school avoidance). I need to have a clear head and the free time that comes when I’m not drinking – well it will be put to good use.
I’ve set my health goals and made a plan. Today I managed to get my 40 minute walk by the river and went to an hour long Zumba class. Tonight, I’ll be turning in early – feeling tired a bit (and sore lol). I’m embarking on my Strength Training journey this month as well – focusing on getting stronger and more toned.
The time to change is now – in the moment… Sometimes we even have to take it one hour at a time. Be gentle with yourself and take time out to really reflect on what change YOU need to make.