Yesterday might have been the hardest day for me since I can remember with the cravings and the ‘stuff’ going on. The voices started calling me around 3pm and then my 12 year old started acting up/out. It’s unnerving all that she is presenting with behavior/defiance, rudeness, and well just plain doing whatever without permission.
I managed to keep busy – even went to the store (near the liquor store) and didn’t buy anything. That was a blessing because later that night she decided to sleep out at a friend’s and with all she put me through during the day, I swear I would have reached for a drink.
Today – 3pm is rolling around and no cravings. Today I’m dealing with my oldest sending me nasty messages upset about some of the things the 12 year old is doing and basically accusing me of being a bad parent. I know it’s the voice of the ex’s mother speaking through her words (she’s spending the summer with her grandmother in Florida to get away from the ‘stress’ that is going on at home because of my youngest’s issues with self-harm and depression). Oddly enough I was going through tough times with the 17 year old in the Fall when she moved out for a couple of months – and is now threatening to do the same (move out that is).
With these issues, my upcoming move and the legal matters that I’m dealing with (which I know will stir the pot even more with the ex and everyone else), I basically have no choice but to stay sober so they can’t use that against me. So many times in the past – the arguments, the problems – they all revolved around booze. My ex would love to say – oh you must be boozing again and I can tell him I am NOT as I plan to stay sober for the next long while (not professing number of days here but I will do what I have to do to protect myself).
I never know what my youngest will do either so I need to stay sober and clear headed. It’s sure not easy single parenting, let alone one who is having so many problems.
I’m back to work on Monday and hope things will be ok as she’ll be alone at home. I have removed her IPad (that’s been the source of so many problems ever since she got it at xmas), I have limited the computer time to very minimal times when I’m not here and I have told her if she continues with the defiance, I will remove her Facebook account and take her phone away. The phone is my weapon right now because she is ‘texting’ with a boy – the first one – and removing that will prevent her from communicating with him. I have access to monitor her texting and the ability to turn it off for receiving calls after a certain time. I feel good about that.
I have to be sober because I am like ‘the police’ right now, or as my daughter puts it – I’m her stalker. One day, I hope she will see I am doing it out of love. She had a blow out yesterday and said ‘why don’t you just send me away to child protection or something – you don’t want me, no one does’. Her self-esteem and perceptions are so distorted. It takes all I have to stay calm and talk through things with her – when she is open to listening.
I pray every day that things will get better. I know when my oldest returns home, there will be some tension (she’s back Aug 20th). I have contacted the oldest’s counselor to see if I can meet with her to figure out a strategy on how best to deal with things when she is back.
I know I am not perfect but I also know that I am doing the BEST that I can, and right now that has to include being SOBER!