I thought this picture was quite fitting for how I felt as I broke my 33 day streak of being AF – Wolfie I guess came a calling and I answered. While I don’t consider it a total failure – because I did break my longest record of 30 days and I’m back to being AF today… I have come to realize that I have to stop obsessing over the numbers and ‘counting’. 

I have to take things one day at a time and one step at a time. I will say today was tough – after caving in and drinking two days in a row… I felt like it again today if only to calm my nerves but didn’t go there. The night I caved – I didn’t over think it and I actually enjoyed it. I did not wake up hungover or get totally trashed but enjoyed the nice ‘escape’.

I know it’s not a way to escape but my life right now – the loneliness, the drama with my girls, it was like I just wanted a bit of a break. Overall – I want to lose the ‘habit’ of daily drinking – but I’m not sure if I’m ready to be completely sober… so I’m not sure I fit in here anymore.

I want more control over my habits and not the other way around. I am not giving up on changing my habits… and will continue to strive to live a healthier life – whether or not that may involve booze every now and again – well I have to say I’m honestly not ready to say I can be completely AF for life. All I can say for now is I’m AF for today, and that’s good enough for me right now. 

13 thoughts on “Crashed…

  1. Lori W says:

    Helene, you can’t beat yourself up. You have to do what is right for you. The idea is not to use alcohol as a crutch, and yes, you are part of a blog circle that is all about sober life. However, you are the only one who knows what works for you, and what doesn’t. Either way, I am still here for you, if you need to talk.

  2. bizi says:

    Of course you belong… are a wonderful part of the big picture.
    and this is your blog that You get to do what ever you want with it.

  3. Sorry to hear things went sideways for you, Helene.

    The idea of not fitting in – your blog, your rules (as I tell people often!). this is your place…do what you will with it. The sober community is not a perfect community. So many relapse or slip or whatever you want to call it. Everyone’s journey is different. No sense in hammering yourself over it. What is done is done…it’s what you are doing now, today what matters most.

    I guess you are in a place where you are wondering if abstinence / sobriety / recovery is for you or not. Alcoholics cannot moderate. Are you an alcoholic? That is something that me or anyone else cannot tell you. I can’t qualify you or anyone else. The answer has to come from you and only you. And if you are, then moderation is something that goes out the window. We just don’t do it well…or well for very long. Some can hold the fort for a while, but the damn always bursts. Always.

    This is not to sound harsh or anything, but at some point that question will crop up – and then the follow up is what does one do? What is next? And that is your path, my friend 🙂

    Alcoholism is the only disease that tells you that you don’t have a disease. And if you don’t have alcoholism, then moderating and controlling will be easy.

    I wish you a wonderful evening…and a good Day One 🙂

    Stick around.


    • bizi says:

      these are wise words paul.

    • losedabooze says:

      I like that – sideways… not ‘down’ lol. As far as the question about who I am in relation to alcohol … well I guess that’s what writing allows for me to explore and what helps most is hearing from others in the blogging world. My damn burst for 2 days and I’m back to being sober – for how long this time – who knows. I just can only do this one day at a time (hell at times one hour at a time is hard enough).

  4. Erika says:

    Very powerful quote, Helene. I totally love your blog and I support you and drinking moderately without going overboard is something admirable. You are strong, you are beautiful. Remember that.

  5. Lilly says:

    Oh, sorry, I just read this after I replied to your comment on my post. Just so I don’t come off as badgering you about completely AF when you’re contemplating moderation.

    BUT, that said, well, I just second what Paul said. The question of moderation is so contentious I almost don’t want to go there. All I can say is that for those of us with a real problem it really rarely works. For me, anyway, I have had those times I’ve ‘slipped’ and it’s been ok… at first… so I’ve thought, ‘hey, maybe it’s ok? Maybe I can just drink now and then’ … but… it always goes badly in the end. So much so I’ve pretty much given up that idea as a bad joke. BUT, that is me. I can’t tell you what’s right for YOU. It is just great you are here trying to work it out.

    So, yeah, fuck the ‘don’t fit in here’ crap 😉 You fit in YOUR blog however YOU want. And I think anyone who is trying to deal with a drink problem, of whatever magnitude, has things worth saying and sharing here. Full support here either way, ok?


  6. losedabooze says:

    Thanks for the support Lilly – I guess we all have our own ‘twist’ to share in this journey to improve ourselves – by whatever definition that comes to be for each of us as individuals.

  7. I second what most everyone has said – I really do enjoy reading your blog. It is so nice to hear from someone else “in the trenches” in regards to life and how they are dealing with it. Although I must say I agree with Paul and Lilly in regards to alcoholics drinking in moderation, I have no idea if this applies to you.

    I do have a suggestion for you. Go back to beginning of your blog and read it. Read what you had to say about how affected your life and how you felt when you were not drinking. Hang in there!

  8. Hope you are ok. Please don’t feel that you don’t belong. If we are here writing about booze, whether we are drinking or not we have something in common. There are no rules. Support is important and what brought us all together, whatever you decide and you will still get plenty of that here.
    C x

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