Day 35 AF – Now What?!

I’m sure not feeling as ‘high’ as I thought I would after successfully making it through my Gala AF – giving away drink tickets and free wine. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me! I guess the build up to this event and now it’s over so it’s like ‘now what?’

I know there will be a few other festive social gatherings and even company coming over here – and these involve drinks but I’m going to do my best to keep this going to the 100 days… but feeling doubt about ‘what then’.

There goes my analytical over-thinking brain! I truly thought if I reached the milestone – beyond 33 days that I’d be flying high and losing weight like mad and feeling on top of the world, but I’m not feeling it.

I’m even having a hard time motivating myself to workout – and I know I need to in order to manage the home stressors that continue with my 12 year old and her self-harming behaviors and threats of wanting to end her life.

As a parent I feel horrible that my child feels so bad about herself. She sees her counselor tomorrow and I talk to him on Wednesday but I feel it’s not going anywhere and I’m frustrated.

I’m also bummed out because I had hoped to pursue a venture that might lead to some extra income for me but it seems that it’s just not going to work out with all that I have to deal with and it requires startup funds that I honestly don’t have. So I keep plugging away and even though I’m saving money by not drinking – it feels like I have less to juggle. Christmas is coming up and my daughter asked me how much I was going to spend on them and this point I know it’s going to be very modest as I am trying to catch up with bills.

I just pray for a break soon – in this part of my life.

I am very grateful for many other things… my wonderful workplace/job, my new place, my health and how my oldest seems to be doing better and succeeding with her home schooling and working a part-time job she likes.

I know I have to look on the bright side and the ‘now what’… well hopefully it’s just hormones acting up. I’m still aiming for 100 days AF and after that – I actually long to be a social drinker … and perhaps I’m grieving the fact that I may never be able to be that person. FUCK this shit is so hard and working through all the emotions sober is not easy and truly new territory.

I have one thing I’d like to work towards – I saw in a blog somewhere about a recovery retreat… I’m definitely adding that to my list (wish I could make the one in April 2014). Maybe that could be my reward for staying sober my 100 days – if I could scrounge the cash… if not this one, I can research to find another similar one. I just feel I need something to work for/towards again. I need a boost in this lull I’m feeling. Where are those pink clouds?! I need some spark again!

6 thoughts on “Day 35 AF – Now What?!

  1. Elle says:

    Lot’s of emotions going on. Hang tough! You can do this.

  2. bizi says:

    I understand your feelings about what is next.
    I am not feeling the awesomeness that I thought I would feel. in fact I barely feel different at all.
    I still spend too much time on the computer and am behind in my paperwork.
    am not taking care of my personal issues.
    But I am not drinking so there is that.

  3. thirstystill says:

    I’m super proud of you getting through the gala! Hooray for that! I know sometimes this is all a big emotional mess, but here’s to you for doing great in it!!!

  4. My brain gets in the way sometimes, too. I know this feels like an easier said than done statement but….try to focus on how fabulousI was to wake up today feeling great about not drinking the day before. Thats HUGE! 🙂

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