Today was the first day that I felt like caving in and grabbing a drink to ease the unease I was feeling emotionally. Yesterday my older daughter came for Thanksgiving Dinner. During her visit there was discussion of my youngest moving in with her because she totally HATES living here with me in the remote area. I spend every weekend coming home from work only to have to drive back to town to bring her (thankfully my partner offers to do so a lot too). The thing I hate is that I feel like she’s just bouncing around from place to place so she can avoid being here on weekends and I don’t feel good about it.
When we lived at the apartment in the city – I spent most of my time alone in the apartment as she was most often out with her friends. I felt like I was paying rent for nothing – bouncing back and forth to my partner’s house. I tried to set things up in every way to make it ‘ok’ for her to be here but she just doesn’t want to be here. She has told me numerous times that when she turns 16 she is leaving (that will be in February). This worries me because she is young and not in the best ‘shape’ mentally (going to an alternative school because she can’t attend regular school and she still deals with anxiety and depression).
So this offer for her to live with her older sister appeases me more than her just taking off and living with who knows and under what conditions. I see this as a possibility to get my older daughter out of the really bad living situation she’s in too (they are living with her bf’s parents and the place is disgusting – infested with bugs and they just aren’t clean people). She has already talked to my ex – and he would give the support to her to cover my youngest being there (although he didn’t think it was a good idea as he felt my oldest had enough to just take care of herself as she too has mental health issues).
It breaks my heart that both my kids have these issues – and I’ve been dealing with them for YEARS… and most times I would cope by drinking/numbing it all out. So today was tough.
And then I woke up at 3:30am to find my oldest was up sad/anxious and hadn’t slept a wink. She said she had someone send her nasty messages via social media (a bf of her friend’s) – and she was worried that her gf was maybe even dead. She called the crisis line at 1am and talked it out… and I agreed with the counsel she was given in that she needs to let go of this toxic person in her life. She has tried to give her advice and told her to leave this man and she chose not to … she simply can’t take this on.
I told her she couldn’t call in sick because she just started a NEW and good job and still on probation. So I gave her something to help her sleep and she managed to get a few hours before we drove her in. Then in the car ride back into town – she was on the phone with her bf explaining all that had happened and my partner started to get upset because he didn’t want to hear any of it… well then I could feel the tears welling up. I could feel the tension in the car – you could have cut it like a knife and I just have not had that feeling in so long.
So once both girls were dropped off – we came home and all was ok. Then as we went to run errands the emotions welled up again and I just started crying and couldn’t really stop. He felt bad for ‘almost losing it’ and I just explained that I needed some alone time to work through this SOBER. But MAN – I looked at the LCBO… I wanted to drink something – then I thought of this amazing app / counter and how I would feel even WORSE if I broke my promise to ME!! For 100 days … I will not drink … And so with writing this blog – I am feeling better and the danger has passed … the craving is gone and I have a to do list I will tend to. Maybe a nice bath later and early bedtime as we’re going to a park for a scenic walk tomorrow morning.
Until then… here’s to “Faking it ’till I Make it”!