I’m Messed Up

I screwed up again – after 4 days AF – not drinking on Friday… I drank on Saturday mainly to get rid of the painful migraine I had (and it worked). But then the cycle happened and I just tonight finished the rest of it and hope I can get back to being AF.

My kids are honestly driving me to drink and I’m feeling so overwhelmed with trying to do everything – quit drinking, get healthy, unpack, focus on work… I always do this to myself and I end up driving myself over the edge and give in … to the booze. 

I feel like I’m never going to be able to kick this. I hate this feeling of being so out of control. I had my last drink at 6:48pm today …. and I wonder now how long can I stay away this time. Is it that my will is not strong enough or that I need more help? I want to improve my life but there’s such controversy when I tell people I’m quitting or not drinking – like I have to explain myself or I have to say “I have  a problem” and I hate admitting weakness. I put up the facade … I keep pushing through and most people have NO CLUE the internal battle and struggle I go through daily. If people knew half the shit I deal with … well I know many of you here ‘get it’… but I feel like I am letting YOU down and there’s more guilt about that.

I need a ‘break’ or some kind of I don’t know epiphany or great strength. I pray to my angels. I read my books. I read your posts. I admire those who seem to be doing this and feel worse for NOT being on track. 

Tomorrow is a new day I guess. I’m turning in at 9 and taking it one hour at a time… I pray for strength… I pray I can do this. Thanks for listening to my rant… SIgned… still trying to loze ‘da booze habit in my life. 

13 thoughts on “I’m Messed Up

  1. I don’t know if this will help, but here’s what I’ve done so far. I have not gone public with anything regarding going AF. I don’t think it’s anybodies business and it is easier for me to have this thing that is my own. My husband has commented on it twice. I did mention it to my daughter and my sister only because it had to do with something in the conversation we were having and I told them the whole thing was open ended and it was left at that.

    My running has trickled down to the bare minimum and as anxious as I do get about that, time and time again I have to tell myself to let it go and work on being AF.

    I still struggle. Not like in the beginning, though. I make no promises about the future either Today I am not going to drink. I’ll figure out tomorrow when it comes. You are in the process of figuring this out just like the rest of us. Be well.

  2. Iambizi says:

    We are behind you every day.. don’t worry about disappointing anyone. just do what you need to do to make it thru the day.
    You have a lot of stressors on your back and are trying to do so much. try to not do everything at once. too hard and too easy to fail at all of it.
    just try to brake it down into smaller bites. work on your eating/dieting.
    It is much easier to not drink when I think of how many calories are in that hard lemonaide. 220 a pop!
    now if I could get a handle on my internet usage.

  3. fern says:

    Please don’t judge yourself against others. This is your personal journey and it is going just as it should. Change is hard work and takes time. Give yourself love for being courageous enough to keep trying. You are stronger than you think!


  4. I know how it goes! And, this is some hard shit. I do think you need to get to a point of desperation if you’re relying heavily on wine (or booze) to self-medicate. I mean, I was using it in that way, but as it turns out, I found out that it was mainly the wine causing my depression, and my irritability, and my seeming inability to CHOOSE ANOTHER REWARD. Belle always asked me, why wine for the relaxing reward, why not something else? And, eventually, I had to be honest with myself and admit that actually…it was pretty strange of me to think that wine was the only way out. Because…it wasn’t that much of a reprieve. It wasn’t that relaxing. It just wasn’t the only option, but…my OBSESSION with it made it really hard to see through this.

    That is wolfie, fuckhead that he is. And one day–this is true, even for me, for crying out loud!–he will die. Eventually, after much fighting, you won’t feel that pull. But, give yourself a good couple of months, and keep really busy. Your brain can fix itself, it just needs some time away from ‘da booze. And then…sweet Jesus, there IS relief, a time when the pull isn’t strong, sort of even goes away. Other stuff actually becomes more relaxing, or at least tolerable as a substitute (sleep, tea, TONS of alternate beverages, a walk, a run, weeping, screaming into a pillow!).

    I know you can do this! Btw, what does AF actually stand for?

  5. Hope my comment wasn’t too annoying! You got this! xx

    • losedabooze says:

      No your comment was wonderful and helpful. Waking up to find these messages of support and votes of confidence helps. I know I need time to get some distance and get away from that ‘pull’ – I need to have the patience to get there and that’s my issue – I want it yesterday. I also have to let go of some of the demands I’m putting on myself and just concentrate on doing this. I need to get my balance back.

  6. You’re not alone, H. We’re always here…and you are not disappointing anyone. Know that, feel that, believe that. As mentioned, your journey is yours and yours alone. Don’t compare and despair. Prayers and good vibes to you today.


  7. Melanie says:

    Is it possible you’re pushing yourself too hard on too many things? Would it make any difference if you decided to let go of a few of these things? I’ve followed your blogs here and on Spark, and the one recurring theme I’ve seen from you is the desire to stop drinking. So what if you stopped trying to do so many other things at the same time? What if you stopped trying to lose weight too, and released the energy you spend on that to use it somewhere else? That doesn’t mean eating whatever you want, or never exercising. It does mean it’s one less thing to occupy space in your head, and you have a lot going on in there already. It means exercising because it makes you feel good or helps you stay sober. Or consciously choosing to have and really enjoy a food treat because it helps you stay sober and it’s better than drinking. Putting away the scale and not worrying about those numbers because you want to focus your energy somewhere else. I know for me, the desire to lose weight consumed so much of my energy that it was hard to find room for anything else. I have given up trying to lose weight as part of a wonderful new program I’m doing, and it’s amazing the difference it’s made in my life and ability to start moving on other things that I’ve been stalled on because that one thing was taking up so much of my energy. Maybe letting go of a few things would help.

    • losedabooze says:

      Thank you for this very thoughtful reply Melanie and you’re right – I tend to be all or nothing in so many areas of my life. Trying to figure out what will trick my mind into doing the one thing that will lead to other good things as you put it is what I should work on. I’m curious to hear about the wonderful new program you’re doing.

      I think my ‘obsession’ about having to quit makes me rebel and I fall back into the trap. So I actually am focusing on another program called the Vice-Busting Diet – which includes audio files from day 1 to 21 and more after that and the journal has nothing to do about food or anything. It actually tells you to forget the ‘diet’ and just has you work on yourself. The journaling/writing for me is key – that I know for sure.

  8. Melanie says:

    That sounds like a great program. I’m excited to hear more about that. I’m doing Live More Weigh Less Mastery by Sarah Jenks. It’s an 8 week program of audio files, a journal and a weekly live coaching call. One of the first things Sarah says to do is to stop trying to lose weight. So I did. And I’m much happier now.

    Although we haven’t met, I can tell from your writing that you’re very determined and you will get where you want to be.

    • losedabooze says:

      Thank you for your vote of confidence Melanie. Sounds like you found something that works for you too. That’s the key after all – finding that ‘one’ formula/key that will lead us to success in our goals 🙂

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