It became inherently clear to me today about how important it is for me to be completely booze free for a long while. I have 2 daughters – aged 12 and 16. My 16 year old has been dealing with anxiety/depression for some time and it seems to be more or less under control but the past couple of months, my 12 year old has been showing signs of great sadness and depression, anxiety and even suicidal intentions.

I have been to the emergency department with her (thank God I wasn’t drinking the night this happened and part of the reason I have not drank much this past month) – she was cutting and had a suicide plan. We ended up being referred to a psychiatrist who we’re now seeing weekly.

It has not been easy and today I learned that she was cutting again this week and that she has also developed issues with eating – making herself throw up and giving away her lunches. Today she admitted there were 2 days she did not eat at all.

Needless to say – the whole booze issue in my head and those voices mean NOTHING when I put this into perspective. As a mother – the most important thing to me is the well being of my girls. As a single mother (for the past 10 years plus), it means doing double duty … playing both roles and being there in any way I can.

I feel as if I’ve been pulled lately for attention from both – I have NO TIME to drink honestly. My girls need me and the booze and wolfie can go fuck themselves (pardon the language but it’s been a really TOUGH friggen day!!).

So I got through tonight’s BBQ – even though after that appointment this morning I didn’t really feel like being around people.  I didn’t do great with my eating tonight but right now – that’s not a priority either. The booze was all around me but all I could think of was keeping an eye on my daughter and making sure she was ok. Tonight – we got home and shared with my oldest what had been going on – it’s a hard place to live right now emotionally.

I caught my 12 year old trying to purge after eating at the BBQ and now worried about even going to sleep. I have a lot to learn about dealing with eating disorders and how I’m going to manage this new problem.

I sure feel like I’ve been put through the ringer lately … and yes before I came here – drinks would have been my outlet or release, but tonight I choose blogging – to vent and let some of the thoughts out.

Finishing day 12 of 100 – hoping for a more positive day on the homefront tomorrow. It sure is taking a toll on my – feeling the drain. I need to be here, be present, be SOBER and be strong! That’s my priority… being there as mom ‘on call’ to get through this family crisis of ours.

5 thoughts on “Priorities…

  1. eacarrington2 says:

    Wow helene.
    I wonder how long she has been purging?
    Eating disorders are so difficult to deal with.
    I am sorry that you and your daughters are going thru so much. Do you have any ideas as to why she is doing all of this? Any abuse issues? isn’t 12 kind of young to be cutting? again I am so sorry that you and she and your other daughter are going thru all of this.
    It is so upsetting.
    You are amazing your out look on things.
    staying sober for your girls is your top priority.
    You are a good mom!
    Private mesage me if you want .

  2. Elle says:

    You are a wonderful mother. This will hopefully pass soon and bring you closer. Sending healthy, healing vibes to your family.

  3. audrey says:

    Helene, you are a wonderful mother. Your daughter obviously trusts you enough to be honest with you. That is a real gift even though it is information that is tough to hear. My younger daughter also cut herself and we found some diet pills she bought online (underage) and she was abusing food as well. We found a great counselor who helped. It took time and is a process. Baby steps. You are on the way. I’m so proud of you for staying AF!

    Your Sparkfriend, Audrey aka Chocohippo

  4. I agree with Audrey, any little bit of trust is an amazing thing. My 12 year old was dealing with anxiety for a long time – talked of hurting herself in a more abstract way, but scared the shit out of me. This time of hormonal change is crazy – they are still young, want to be your baby, but also want to be independent at the same time. Confusion reigns in their heads, and they just are confused. I used to get homesickness feelings (at home, at school, anywhere) at that age which I now know was anxiety. And I’m not an anxious person!
    What I started to do is blame myself. When I was drinking, I tended not to pay as much or the right attention to her. I would have more of the ‘toughen up’ thought in my head, and not talk to her enough in a compassionate, loving way. Now that I’ve been sober (40 days, but mostly off for five months), I have given her much more attention – not stifling her, but just listening, reassuring that this is a tough time for all girls, and trying to make her feel loved and secure. It’s had an amazing 180 affect – so now that you’re sober, and clear, and can focus, you will be able to do so, too. You can do it. Don’t blame yourself, don’t freak out, just be cautious and attentive. From what I can tell from your writing, you are a loving, wonderful mom and you can shower your girls with real love and praise so they can love themselves! It’s so hard to understand things like cutting (at least for me, but I did experiment with bulimia in college), but it’s just, I think, a symptom of not loving ones self, and feeling too much fear. I know I’m totally rambling, and I’m not an expert by any means, but I have dealt with some of this so thought I’d chime in. good luck and hang in there – you’re doing all the right things!!!! Ellen

    • losedabooze says:

      Thanks Ellen and you’re right about just being ‘there’ for them – being sober, I can really pay attention and not take the toughen up attitude and really be able to tune into their feelings (since I’m not numbing mine).

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