Having a conversation on the phone with my daughter tonight … and what was supposed to be a positive call (she finally found a place) turned into the ‘twisting of words’ and her saying I was yelling and swearing… when I KNOW I wasn’t.
You see the issue has been historically – that I probably did behave that way (or at least I would always second guess myself) but being SOBER and being present in the words I speak – I am very aware of what I’m saying yet my daughter I think still views me in a way that we used to communicate when we would get into arguments when I used to be drinking.
It’s sad really and frustrating – but I guess it’s my reality. The fact that it’s a touchy subject too that has to do with having to deal with my ex (she wanted me to talk to him and I avoid it at all costs now and deal with him through the legal system only). We are at a crossroad… but once we cross this bridge or path – I hope that things will settle down.
Having both my daughters in a good living space and having a good relationship with them is important to me. Being SOBER while dealing with this stage of transition and my ‘early and unexpected’ empty nesting… as my youngest just turns 16 next month is something I have to really allow to sink in… That and just moving in with a partner after being on my own for 14 years… Let’s just stay I’m glad I went to see my therapist to talk about all of it.
She re-assured me that I was doing very well and I do believe I’m on the right path… but tonight – I’m feeling drained … and I ate some of my emotions (had chips and cheesecake) but I did NOT drink. I did a workout and now going to log off and head up to take a bath and perhaps read more of the Naked Mind book.
Tomorrow is a new day and I need to let go of that which I can’t really control…