I need this reminder every now and again – that every day I’m one step away from where I used to be and for the purposes of this blog – that’s now 17 days sober. I continue to read other blogs and enlightened by the stories and experiences.
I have to say that I do have some ‘fear of failure’ but isn’t that the case with anything we take on in life – and at this point in my journey, at 46 years of age, I plan on starting my 47th year (in September) on the right foot. I have been having a lot of thoughts lately about what I will do after the 100 day challenge. Will I try to go back to ‘moderate’ or just social drinking? Will I be able to handle it? If I can’t – will I be able to jump back in the sober car and do as well as I am now?
Belle and I were exchanging emails and she pointed something out to me – it’s a good thing I was not at a point where I might have trouble quitting because of all the issues I am having to deal with in regards to my 12 year old. It’s like my parenting skills kicked into high gear and my priorities were a no brainer – I HAVE to be sober right now.
With all the appointments and services we’re attending, juggling my full time job, trying to manage financially and also dealing with a 16 year old who has her own issues with depression/anxiety – it’s like I’m pulling double duty – playing mom and dad roles. I normally have a break in the summer when the girls go visit their father but this year, neither of them want to go and so – no break for me (he lives 2 provinces away so I don’t get the every other weekend deal either). It’s all on me … and probably why I turned to drinking alone at home so much. I couldn’t really afford to go out, but doing that didn’t help my outlook on things.
Forward thinking to what happens once I achieve this 100 day challenge. What then? Do I stay sober? Do I attempt social drinking? If I do – how will I feel? (not sure I want to turn back the counter to day 1)
When I read about those who went back to drinking and how they felt shitty about it and are back in the sober car again… it just makes me wonder – should I even be thinking about this shit?!
Instead – I should be focusing on all the great feelings being sober is giving me!! How much more productive I am. How I can remember things more than before. How I can decide to late at night go out for a drive because I am sober. How much more health conscious I am in other areas of my life (what I eat/drink and how I move my body to burn some of that energy). There are so many GOOD things about being sober and that’s what I am going to focus on going forward… NOT mmm when can I have a drink again… because maybe I may never have one again, I don’t know … and for now I’m going to enjoy this sober moment.