In our journey to become and stay sober, self-care is truly key. It means putting our needs in front of others at times and in my case as a single mother, raising two teenage girls who are rebelling (refusing to go to school, skipping school, being rude and dis-respectful to me) it’s more important than ever for me to stay grounded and strong that I take good care of myself.
Part of this is becoming and staying sober – while I am sometimes screaming inside for a drink to ‘handle’ all of this pressure and stress. Every day I’m being thrown something new to deal with – my youngest daughter and her self-harming, eating issues, anxiety/depression/mood swings and my oldest’s issue with anxiety and learning that both of them have resorted to trying pot and they too are curious and seem interested in booze (likely as a numbing agent).
Every day – these issues remind me about WHY I have to be the example and stay strong – yet the ‘voice’ (Wolfie or the Goblin – whatever you call it) says to me “Hell you need a break! This is ridiculous. You deserve a drink and the ability to let loose a bit.” But I know that this voice is calling on me because it knows I’m vulnerable and my wish is to keep rolling in this sober car – for the full 100 days this time. After a few failed attempts – I am really striving to get there.
I still have my doubts about this weekend and the whole move thing. I have been and will be pushing myself extra hard to finish up and we all know when we are tired or when we finish something BIG like this, we often feel ‘ok – now you deserve a break and a few drinks’… but I need to come up with new things that I want for myself. In comes the self-care because you see – I don’t drink now because I care about my self-esteem and I don’t want those guilt feelings about caving in ‘yet again‘. It’s not easy. Tonight and throughout the day I’ve been thinking about drinking a LOT. This is hard SHIT to deal with at times – but the reward of not giving in is really worth that proud feeling – that sense of victory and accomplishment and I want that more!
Tied with this victory are so many other things that I want to achieve – like the weight loss, taking on new hobbies and getting out to finally take some classes (Zumba or some type of dancing). The freed time that we have without ‘da booze in our lives allows for us to explore and really discover who we are and what our real interests are and that’s what I’m after.
When I divorced almost 11 years ago, it took me a while to rediscover who I was as a single person – not the wife or the mother/wife. I was now the single mother still – but I had to figure out what my interests, goals and life direction was going to be because I thought my marriage would be forever… I have no regrets today about my ex’s decision to leave me – as a matter of fact he did me a HUGE favor! I see that now – we were never a good match. Brought together through many drunken instances. My nature of trying to save or change him led me to a path where I took up the drinking (can’t beat ’em might as well join ’em mentality).
I’m not that person any more. I’m someone who is independent and someone who is looking to care for my SELF. And so it is – every day I make sure to do things that mean something to me and that keep me in balance. My blogging, my early morning affirmations, my walks by the river, the occasional bubble baths… those are the things I want in my life. Not ‘da booze! Thanks to my blogging and reading of other blogs… I can close off another day feeling good about my decision to NOT drink!