Special Dates

Today is my first born’s 17th birthday. I remember when I had her – how I was 2 weeks away from turning 35 and first time mom. Now my birthday is coming up on September 3rd and so much has changed in how I look at it.

In the past I used to spend it with  my sister celebrating at a campground that is run by her live in partner because it coincided with the last music festival of the season. That changed I guess it’s been 3 years now – when at that time, I allowed myself to get really drunk. Like many stories that I have about how I let alcohol lead me to some real dire situations – this one was really bad!! I remember my friends, more or less holding me up as I made the trek up the hill to the cabin where I was sleeping. This cabin was near where the rest of the family was – my niece and her half-sister (same father different mother) and her family (2 kids and her husband). Well in the middle of the night – I woke up to find her husband ‘on me’ in my cabin and by the time I regained enough consciousness to realize what was going on… it was too late.

The next morning I woke up and there was everyone sitting at the table – including HIM. I didn’t say anything of course – too embarrassed (his kids were there). I never told anyone until about 6 months later. When I did share with my sister about what happened, she told her daughter who told her sister… and then all HELL broke loose. I was accused of being a slut, whore and that I took advantage of HIM. Because of this – I ended up not talking or seeing my sister for over a year.

In September (on the 14th) my niece is getting married and I won’t be going. They are getting married at this campground – which happens to be a place that I had so many memories as I also spent many years and summers there throughout my childhood – and I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to go. The sister will be in the wedding party and while she separated from this man – she is back with him and I in no way want to put a damper on  my niece’s special day. I explained to her and she totally understands.

It’s also a situation I don’t want to put myself into as it would dredge up a lot of bad memories and tension which I don’t need in my life – especially right now with all I’m dealing with at home. My move is happening that month and I want that to be a clean month in every sense of the word.

I’m on day 10 AF today. I said I’d stop until my birthday but I think that the best gift I could give myself would be a sober birthday! As I think back on many of the bad or negative moments in my life – where I blacked out or allowed shitty things to happen – it was all relative to the booze. I’m ready to make a fresh start and perhaps make new traditions going forward for all special dates.

My move – one of my colleagues said “I want to see you get drunk that day – it’s special – you’re first day in your new place”… and yet, I want to make my new place more of an AF place for me. While I’ll buy beer for the guys who volunteered to help me out – it doesn’t mean I have to join in. If they egg me on and say ‘come on’, I’ll say no thanks – I’m on a program and determined to stick with it.

I attach meaning to dates in so many ways and it’s not a bad thing – but perhaps it’s that now, I need to attach NEW meaning to all of those special dates, starting with my own 47th Birthday!

So while we decide to be sober, those special dates will always be, but now we can look at them in a whole new light!

13 thoughts on “Special Dates

  1. Lori says:

    Helene, no matter how drunk you were, that was NOT your fault. I hope you have spoken with a counselor about this, because it could be a very important part of your recovery to put it away. I know, because I have been there, believe me. There have been many incidents in my life just like the one you described, and after each one, I always blamed myself. Once I learned to forgive ME, I was able to change that behavior. You know that I have now been AF for the majority of the past 2 years, and even though I did drink on my recent trip to Portland, I have not had a drink since I have been home, and it has been no big deal…I totally ascribe this to having found a counselor who REALLY helped. Talk to me any time you need to. You have my phone number, I have unlimited texts, you can message me on facebook, or email me. I do care about you, and want you to succeed in this!

    • losedabooze says:

      Thanks Lori – I unfortunately have many of these types of experiences in my past – and I did work through it with a counselor (not the most recent one but they are all the same). As you say I need to forgive myself and learn to live life ‘mostly’ sober and if I do decide to drink, I need to do it in a way that mirrors how you have been doing. You’re an inspiration!

      • Lori says:

        You know, I thought all counselors were the same too, until I found the one I have now. She was great about not totally rehashing all my past negatives, she helped me learn to deal with the things that were happening RIGHT NOW that were triggering my reactions. She is probably the 5th or 6th counselor I have had over the last 20 years, and by far the best.

        I love having pedicures. Do any of the shops around you have specials for new clients or anything like that? Or coupons? I wound up getting a pedicure and a manicure for about $10 because the shop had just opened, they didn’t have a lot of clients, and they had a groupon…

  2. Elle says:

    With so much going on, you are doing great staying strong. Proud of you girlfriend xoxo

  3. bizi says:

    what special thing will you do to celebrate your birthday?

    • losedabooze says:

      I have no idea right now – I’m broke so my wish would be to have a getaway alone away from all the drama and tension (or maybe a pedicure – something I’ve never in my life had) lol

      • Em says:

        Oh my DD and I were just talking about this- I have never had one either. I just figure it is one of those DIY things. honestly maybe they are overated BUT I don’t know never had one. I do love getting a massage. I used to pre kids get those on a regular basis but not anymore- maybe a massage?:-)

  4. Em says:

    hey you became a first time Mom at 30 too! I had my last when I was 36. Have a wonderful 47th- I think you will love making new traditions and enjoying it sober. Great points about looking at them in a whole new light!

  5. Erika says:

    I’m also a Virgo! (September 18th) but I think I had already told you that, right?. Thanks for sharing this with us, it must be painful telling the story. But, the important thing now is the present, how you are dealing with everything and the good choices you are making. It all narrows down to that.
    Sobriety as a gift, what a wonderful statement.

  6. cin says:

    I so applaud what you are doing and how strong you have been with all that is going on with the girls. I am not impressed that someone would say that to you, presuming they are younger and still think it cool to be drunk. as you say what a great start to a new you and family in a new place. I hope and pray that you can keep your healthy eating, exercising and taking care of yourself ( and the no drinking only improves on all this) amdist all this.
    What a fantastic gift you can give yourselfr! HUGS and you know I have given you grief but girl you are so worth caring about yourself! and BTW you are a good mother and those girls of yours will look back in a few years and say wow… she stuck to her guns, took care of us,a nd herself what a role model! HUGS

    • losedabooze says:

      Cin – I’m not sure how you gave me a hard time (it’s hard to keep the names straight – are you from SP?). As for me – the healthy eating is hard at times with the emotional stuff going on but I forgive myself that indulgence as I was able to remain AF today despite the cravings. I’m not saying I will be forever – but I need to be for now.

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