Worth the Fight

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This journey for me is not easy. I finished reading Lisa Newmann’s book Sober Identity and while I had some difficulty following parts of it the end really rang true for me in so many ways. The trial and errors about my getting to the ‘sober’ status and how perhaps because my mind is still not fully committed – that’s why I’m falling more than not.

I have a lot to work out in my head about the WHY I need to do this – even though it may seem pretty obvious too. I guess I need to get more sober days under my belt until my sub-conscious mind or the devil or wolfie or whatever VOICE name you want to call it quiets down. Today was easy and I had no cravings or wants for it. I felt much better too and finishing off the day on a good note.

The power of our sub-conscious mind is so incredible and reprogramming it is going to take time and I have to allow this to come. I know it’s not going to be easy – but it’s definitely going to be worth it in the end. I want a different life for myself, for my kids. They are also struggling with the ‘young’ experimentation of drugs (marijuana) and their taste or curiosity for booze too… and it kills me to see it because I know it’s a slippery slope. Thankfully with counseling I hope that we can address it and teach them better coping mechanisms and provide them with the right tools. The other part is my being a better role model – but I know it won’t happen overnight. It’s like they will need to see proof that THIS time is different.

I thought the answer was to tell more people about my intentions, but now I think I spoke too soon and now I’m just going to fly under the radar on the issue as long as I can and avoid discussing it outside of this sober blogging world where I know people truly understand what I’m going through. I’m not even going to say much to Belle either until I have more sober days ‘done’ since I’ve fallen off the 100 day challenge so often (so much so I feel embarrassed).

I was reading some blogs over on the soberistas website tonight and one lady talked about how one day turned into many … story of my life but worse, how I would actually go to bed early, then wake up once the kids were in bed and drink more so I could do it when they were not awake and I could ‘hide’ it a bit more. There was also a comment there I could relate to in that when I get into these binge modes it’s like I take in all I can because when this is done this time – I’m done… and yet it doesn’t always work that way. I was also reminded by the post/comments about how much I give up when I drink and basically withdraw and ‘hide’ from the world. I don’t want anyone to see me this way and so I put up a facade, make excuses and lie – to them and to myself.

I still hesitate calling myself an alcoholic and I’m not sure if I have to truly admit this to get beyond this addiction. I guess when I think alcoholic I think of a different picture than what I’m going through – the person who can’t go without or they get extreme shakes and tremors – that’s not me. I can stop – and sometimes I do for a month or less – it’s when I start back that I seem to go into ‘days of drinking’. And so, the decision has to be made that total abstinence is probably my best bet and yet thinking that scares me too. I know AA is not for me either – because I refuse to believe that we are powerless in this journey – I know I am stronger than this and I will eventually beat it.

In Lisa’s book she speaks to change and growth and how it’s not comfortable or easy and she’s right – this SHIT is HARD! I’m reaching out for support as best I can with my means and definitely tuning in to my writing because that’s something that has always helped me.

And so now I take a few new lessons learned on this path and get ready to turn in and begin again tomorrow. Moving on to the Sober Revolution book for my next read. Tools tools tools … must soak my mind with thoughts about changing my addictive patterns … and practice more meditation too. Today was a GOOD day!

Lesson 101

I was inspired by a post from Christina (Alcoholic or Not) that not only talked about this cool thing I am going to explore more (sophrology) but her statement… “We must learn from every experience and you can fall 100 times as long as you get up 101 times!”

I don’t know where they came up with the number in this Japanese proverb  

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But 101 seems more realistic to me. I have tried and tried again to do this sobriety thing – and I’m not giving up. 101 is a significant number for me in my angel stuff… it’s my parking spot number – it’s the combination of the ‘dimes’ I find as signs of my angels ‘there’ with me, it’s the 11 (with the zero in the middle) that I see all the time on clocks, computers, everywhere. 

I watch and read about others who seem to be getting this right so much faster or easier than I am. Belle’s 100 day challenge – I’d love to hit that 101 there too! I’ve not given up and she’s keeping my spot for me (although I wonder how her faith in my too must be wavering). 

I’m wrapping up Day 1 again … and hope to add 10 more and then some to this round. Lesson 101 – don’t give up and NEVER quit quitting! I will get this… one day (or maybe day 101). 

 

Last Day 1

I had a rotten weekend and waking up to my birthday today – realize that moderation is NOT an option for me. Once I have that first drink, it’s like I can’t get enough and waking up this morning, I realize that I’m done WASTING my life away with booze.

May today be my last day 1 AF ever and may I seek all the help and support I need to keep me on the path of sobriety. May I prove to myself most of all that I can do this – for me and for my children so that we can live a better life.

I was hit this weekend with just how I am letting life pass me by as I sit and sulk in a depressed state of mind, brought on by my indulgence in ‘the voice’ that called me out on Friday and stayed with me until yesterday. I’m waking up this morning and praying for strength to keep me on path to true sobriety.

The Next 30 Years

I read a post on my team thread about how a member had lived her live with alcohol for 30 years and how she was ready to do so WITHOUT alcohol. In my case, I have been drinking since probably the age of 12 – so I have 35 years of life with alcohol and I’m ready to look ahead to seeing what perhaps living life without alcohol can be like.

While I’ll be turning 47 soon, I think my birthday will be like a new life beginning. My mom always told me life began at 40 – and I honestly believe that because the first 40 years I was learning and now with the experience, I can live a life that has true meaning – without the need for alcohol to enjoy life.

It’s a great leap this sober revolution if you will – but I think it’s catching on with many. Like cigarette smoking (which I never indulged in) was so glamorized and now so looked upon as gross (I always felt it was gross) – perhaps the glamour surrounding alcohol is starting to fade – at least for me it is. For the little relief or buzz I get from it – the after math of guilt for caving in, for spending the money, for not being clear headed enough to deal with real life – it’s become less appealing to me.

What is becoming appealing to me is the prospect of how I will feel being sober for a length of time and discovering my SELF more. Perhaps pursuing things I never felt worthy of doing before and taking more risks, learning new things, becoming involved in new activities and hobbies. I know in order to stick this out – I need to replace the habit of booze with another activity.

While I know there will be many social situations involving or around alcohol, I also know it doesn’t mean I have to have some. I can opt for AF options and still be a part of those events.

It will be interesting to see what the next 30 years of life for me will be. Starting with this move at the end of September – one that I really decided upon in a bit of a whim – but that has turned out to be a great decision… I think life is on an upswing despite the many at home challenges with my girls. Being sober will keep me strong through it all.