Looking for the Light…


I’m really struggling right now. I’ve talked to a few people about it in email exchanges and two of them asked me if perhaps I was experiencing depression – and I suppose this could be the case. I do know that December and February are tough months for me and ironically they are in the midst of my commitment to being AF (day 43 today).

I honestly thought that continuing to be AF would lift my spirits for the pure fact that I was doing it when so many times in the past I failed but I fail to sense that pride and feeling of accomplishment I thought I would have by now. Instead – I have doubts and thoughts about whether or not this is all worth it. I honestly thought that I’d feel better by now.

I know there are other factors at play here – including hormonal changes, life experiences of grief and hardships with the teens. I just am feeling like life is not fun – that I’m simply going through the motions and despite my efforts to change things by being AF – my motivation to do other things like workout and eat better – well it’s out the window right now. I am craving everything and I know it’s emotional eating (and leading to weight gain making me feel even worse).

I also know that I need to take care of myself and be gentle but I am just having a hard time figuring this all out. I also know that the financial worries I have – not having enough money to pay bills and with Christmas coming up feeling very depressed about not even being able to buy gifts. I haven’t felt this low about the holidays in a long time. I do know that it’s not all about material things but it sure would be nice to be able to at least get a couple of things. The parties I have to attend too – and the gift exchanges – I just don’t have the money, yet I’ll try to make it.

You’d think with my not drinking I’d have more money but it’s not there. The trip back home too cost me money I didn’t plan on spending – just over $200 that could have gone to xmas gifts. I have been struggling this way financially for years and I am just tired of it. The constant juggling of borrowing here and there – juggling bills… I know this is bringing me down big time (even though they say money isn’t everything – it sure would help right now).

I’m not writing this to get pity – it’s simply my own way of trying to work through my emotions and how I’m feeling in the hopes that I can figure out a way to get out of this funk I’m in. One day at a time I guess. I am hoping to see my ‘man’ friend soon and I know that will cheer me up. Loneliness is definitely another point in my life … while I love being a mother to my girls – I miss being someone special for someone.

And so I keep pushing and praying … for some kind of a break. I do pray 2014 will bring about some relief and positive changes. I do know that I need to try to focus on what I want instead of what I don’t want… I got this letter back from futureme.org … it was a letter I wrote to myself back in December 2012… and it’s still very much all I want for myself … it just hasn’t happened yet… but I have to believe that it IS possible and that it can and will happen!! Maybe not exactly how I expected it… but I have to keep the faith.

Dear FutureMe,

What an incredible life you have! You are living your dreams… You are traveling more, you are healthy and fit, toned and trim and most of all you have love and peace in your heart.

You are sharing your life with an amazing soul mate who truly is your match in every way. You have this wonderful man who is everything you ever wanted… Romantic, loving, caring, SEXY and hot, skilled lover, one who shares your passions and dreams. You are so full of love and joy and you are rich beyond your wildest dreams… You are spoiled by this man and receive the attention that you’ve longed for, that you dreamed of for so long. You have all that you ever wanted in a relationship and never had! You are like a school girl … giddy in love and lust, and the amazing thing is that HE feels the same about you. You trust each other completely and live your lives by sharing special moments, as well as keeping a balance of your own individual activities.

The girls – they are doing amazingly well too and have truly welcomed this new love in your life! They too are happy and feel as though you are a true family again. You enjoy travels together as a family as well.

You are no longer alone to attend events… and you are planning your own dream wedding… by the ocean as you always wanted.

You are financially abundant now and no longer living paycheck to paycheck. You have a handle on your finances and you share with your partner costs and are even saving money for your future voyages as there will be many!

You will be moved into a new home with this new partner of yours and build, decorate and make it YOUR new home together, by the water where your love is. It will be beyond your wildest dreams!

You will be living your passions by writing and working on a manuscript for a book which will be incredibly successful! You will get to travel for this purpose as well and attend conferences, meetings and continue to meet more like minded people.

Your life is the dream you have always wanted and so deserved!

I am so proud of you! I am incredibly thrilled and happy for you because for all the past hurts and trials, you have finally arrived to receive all the wonderful gifts you so greatly deserve!

With love, appreciation and gratitude,


Living in the Now


On days like today it’s so important to recognize how key it is to live in the moment. I was feeling kind of I don’t know blah or ansy tonight. I got on Facebook and read some awful news about a friend who’s father was badly burned in a house fire. Then this morning I learned of another friend’s young granddaughter (2.5 years) passing.

I know from my own experiences of hurt and loss how hard this is – and I also know that it means I have to give my head a shake. I’ve been feeling off or in a funk. Feeling like I will never amount to anything as I keep trying to ride the sober car and failing… I’m on Day 3 today but BIG deal … and then I’m reminded by blogs like this – that I need to wear the badge of honor for EACH day, each moment as I live in the NOW.

I’m also disappointed in myself because of the fact that I drank again and ate lots and regained almost 10lbs in less than a month. I feel like I could eat everything in sight and I have to get a handle on this out of control feeling.

It’s like quitting drinking makes it that I want more of everything else and I need to find that balance and peace again. I just got my workout space put back together and managed ‘one’ workout so far this week. My energy levels are off with all the bad eating – so I need to get a grip.

I also know too that taking on too much all at once will foil my efforts to staying sober – which is what so often happens with me. I figure FUCK it… I need something in my life and end up caving in. With the weekend approaching again, I need to make sure this doesn’t happen. They are calling for rain most of the weekend and I have no excuses – I have lots left to do following my move here to finish getting organized and put things up here and there. I need to make this place feel more like home. I need to just CHILL and BE. Living in the now is easier said than done though. But I’m working as best I can to do so… inspired by quotes like this… I hope to change … just like that too!