Today’s action items had to do with going through the Total Truth Process – in forgiving ourselves or anyone else who harmed us in the past. 1 – by acknowledging our anger and resentment; 2 – acknowledging the hurt and pain it created; 3 – acknowledging the fears and self-doubt it created; 4 – own any part we may have played in letting it occur or letting it continue; 5 – express what we wanted that we didn’t get and/or what you want now and 6 – understand where the other person was/is coming from and forgive him or her.
I will say that this I have done a lot of this work over the last 13 years since my divorce, and events leading up to it. In my own total truth process – I see mostly the need to forgive MYSELF – for things that happened to me as a child that made me feel like something was wrong with me (as a child – adults made sexual advances to me). I think this really messed me up more than I acknowledged before in how it led me to jumping into relationships and becoming sexually active before I should have – I guess I was seeking some validation or needing to feel ‘ok’. Unfortunately it attracted the wrong kind of people in my life – and I was victim of physical and mental abuse in some relationships. My husband and I had a toxic relationship to start … and while I tried to save him and change him – I ended up joining in the ‘coping’ mechanisms and found myself with my own problems of using the alcohol to mask my problems. This became tougher after having kids come into the picture and I then felt ‘stuck’ and resentful as a single parent.
I recall a lot of past stuff that contributed to my drinking – my parents heavy drinking episodes. How my parents would fight. I remember my uncle being so intoxicated he pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot my aunt and me and my cousins sat upstairs terrified.
Living through this I never wanted to put my own kids through this – yet some of it happened as my own marriage fell apart with drinking and fighting and then I fell into a cycle of depression and anger.
I have come a long way – and today I find myself in an incredible loving relationship with a man who treats me like I always dreamed of. Much of the work they describe we need to do – learning to LOVE ourselves first is what brought me to where I am today. Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life was the book that started it all for me … and she often speaks of the mirror work and how we have to learn to say “I Love You” to ourselves in the mirror.
Recognizing this again in the exercise – finding the 30-Day Solution at this particular time in my life is truly ‘meant to be’. Up until now I’ve still had trouble cutting back on my drinking (as I don’t want to quit for good). I now realize that I have that life I wanted – and there’s no reason to use the drinking to mask anything because my life is amazing. I have an incredible job, great friends, a great network of support and while my children are now older – they too are doing better and we’ve worked through many issues together in therapy and are in a better place. I have even forgiven my EX – because he is who he is… and I accept it. He is living his life and I mine. We are connected only because we have kids – and soon they will be old enough that we won’t have any reason to speak and I’m good with that.
And so I end my entry today with this quote from the 30 Day Affirmation.
Last but not least – THE FORGIVENESS AFFIRMATION (which should be read once a day for the next 2 weeks):
I release myself from all the demands and judgments that have kept me limited. I allow myself to be free – to live in joy, love, peace and sobriety. I allow myself to create fulfilling relationships, to have success in my life, to experience pleasure, to know that I am worthy and deserve to have what I want. I am now free. I release all others from any demands and expectations I have placed on them. I choose to be free. I allow others to be free. I forgive myself, and I forgive them. And so it is.