Sharing Resources

I came across an article today and decided to take a chance and delve into this venture and hope that perhaps it will help my financial situation.

It’s an opportunity to simply share links to items people would normally want to buy, but in doing so through my website I make a commission. My passion – BOOKS!! So I created http://hsbookshub.extremeproductsmall.com/sobriety.html and created a specific tab regarding sobriety, including books on completely being AF and some on moderation management.

I just started the website tonight and I have to say I’m excited about this project. I’m not sure what it will bring back in terms of income – at the very least I hope I cover my costs.

I’m going to be working to add more links to books that I have in my own library. I took an inventory tonight and MAN I have loads! I am a true self-help geek .. but they have all helped me at various stages of my life.

So if you want to check out some books relative to our community here, no pressure, but I’d love if you did so through my website. It’s all done through Amazon.

I am looking forward to doing more development and exploring the full possibility of where this can take me. I have dreams of becoming a writer one day, and publish my own book … but for now, I’ll be the book pusher 🙂

Now where am I again in the sober drive? Well my last drink was July 1st and plans to aim for the 100 days is there and heck – this new project may just be the distraction or new activity to keep me busy and keep Wolfie at bay!

Priorities…

It became inherently clear to me today about how important it is for me to be completely booze free for a long while. I have 2 daughters – aged 12 and 16. My 16 year old has been dealing with anxiety/depression for some time and it seems to be more or less under control but the past couple of months, my 12 year old has been showing signs of great sadness and depression, anxiety and even suicidal intentions.

I have been to the emergency department with her (thank God I wasn’t drinking the night this happened and part of the reason I have not drank much this past month) – she was cutting and had a suicide plan. We ended up being referred to a psychiatrist who we’re now seeing weekly.

It has not been easy and today I learned that she was cutting again this week and that she has also developed issues with eating – making herself throw up and giving away her lunches. Today she admitted there were 2 days she did not eat at all.

Needless to say – the whole booze issue in my head and those voices mean NOTHING when I put this into perspective. As a mother – the most important thing to me is the well being of my girls. As a single mother (for the past 10 years plus), it means doing double duty … playing both roles and being there in any way I can.

I feel as if I’ve been pulled lately for attention from both – I have NO TIME to drink honestly. My girls need me and the booze and wolfie can go fuck themselves (pardon the language but it’s been a really TOUGH friggen day!!).

So I got through tonight’s BBQ – even though after that appointment this morning I didn’t really feel like being around people.  I didn’t do great with my eating tonight but right now – that’s not a priority either. The booze was all around me but all I could think of was keeping an eye on my daughter and making sure she was ok. Tonight – we got home and shared with my oldest what had been going on – it’s a hard place to live right now emotionally.

I caught my 12 year old trying to purge after eating at the BBQ and now worried about even going to sleep. I have a lot to learn about dealing with eating disorders and how I’m going to manage this new problem.

I sure feel like I’ve been put through the ringer lately … and yes before I came here – drinks would have been my outlet or release, but tonight I choose blogging – to vent and let some of the thoughts out.

Finishing day 12 of 100 – hoping for a more positive day on the homefront tomorrow. It sure is taking a toll on my – feeling the drain. I need to be here, be present, be SOBER and be strong! That’s my priority… being there as mom ‘on call’ to get through this family crisis of ours.

Through the years…

As I spent my weekend doing some de-cluttering and cleaning, I came across my old yearly calendars which I used to track the exercise, weight and alcohol free days I had from month to month and through the years from 2008 to today. What I saw was the same pattern over and over again… I do well for a bit, then bamm! Something happens in my life, I drink more, and all the work I put into losing weight is lost and the weight is regained. Then I get bummed out and it’s just a vicious cycle!!

I also came across some old family pics and in most of the ‘party’ ones, very few did not include a table full of beers or someone with a drink in hand. It’s no wonder that I kind of went the same route – it’s what I saw and adopted as a norm, but I’m ready to change that pattern.

On day 9 of 100 only, but honestly feel a difference inside about this time being different. I was faced with some huge stressors today (dealing with my kids and their refusal to go to school – along with the myriad of other issues they are presenting around anxiety/depression). It was overwhelming this morning and it brought me to tears. But not ONCE did I ever think “I can’t wait to get home to have a drink”…

Instead, I came home and attended my own counselling session where I was able to basically debrief and be acknowledged in terms of handling things as best I can. I then had a bite to eat and just now finished a 50 minute workout.

Winding down the day and getting ready to get some reading done before I turn in. Wolfie didn’t dare talk to me today lol…