It wasn’t until I came to the full realization that I had no real control over alcohol that I was able to take action to change it. It has taken me years to get to where I am today, working towards living a sober life. I swear – saying that still makes me cringe – to think I’ll ‘never’ drink again – but I try to just focus on one day at a time instead (because forever is a LONG time).
Yesterday I came real close to caving in again, but the thoughts that ran through my head were that I just didn’t want to go back again to that place where I disappoint myself mostly and secondly, disappoint those who are cheering me on this journey. I’m very grateful to my friends and supporters, Kim and Belle, and of course my team members from Cutting Down the Booze over at SparkPeople. Not everyone gets how hard this is – but thankfully I’ve found a support network that does – including this sober blogging space and Soberistas too! So many great supporters there as well.
Fall is my favourite season and it’s ironic that my move is happening now too. As the leaves change colors, I too am changing my own colors or scenery and life – including making my home a fresh new space with new energy that is completely AF for me.
I have come to terms with my need to be completely sober since I can not moderately drink. It’s just another season in my life. What really helped me to stay on track yesterday too, despite the incredible urges, was how I made a vow to myself on my 47th Birthday to become sober. I really don’t want to give up on that promise or vow so early in the game. At the very least, I need to achieve the 100 days – since I am part of the 100 Day Challenge team (and I’ve hit re-set one too many times).
What comes after the 100 days… well as I’ve read and heard from many successful members is that the call or craving for alcohol is no longer there. And that my friends is my wish – that the desire for booze is gone from my thinking. I’m ready to do this – and truly change it.
I really have a hard time with the labels in this world at times and perhaps it’s because if I say I’m now ‘clean and sober’ – does that mean I was dirty and drunk before? Then there’s the term of recovering that everyone using – what is it that I’m recovering from?
I have always hated labels or being made to fit in a description – especially now that I’ve decided that I don’t drink. For me what’s working is just that. Not counting the days. Not obsessing about ok – after so many days, what to do next. I’ve simply wiped it from my mind by repeating that over and over (in my head and to friends) – I don’t drink.
I went to a meeting yesterday which included a stop at the hotel’s bar/pub with a colleague. She ordered a wine and I ordered a club soda with lemon. I then let her know about my new lifestyle choice and my reasons for my decision to change and she said “Good for you”.
So while I’m here in the sober blog world and continuing my journey to Lose ‘da Booze in my life – by no means am I judging anyone else’s method to get there or the words they use.
I am still arming myself with tools (just ordered Jason Vale’s Kick the Drink book and 24 Hours a Day) because I know while my resolve is still pretty strong right now – there are times and moments that I may need to read to reinforce my resolve to be AF.
So I ask you again – what does recovering mean? Well I guess to me it means regaining the life or creating a life without the booze. Learning about myself and what I might pursue now that alcohol is no longer a part of my life. It means some in-depth soul searching about my goals and dreams for the future, living a life AF and I’m really excited about all the energy I’m feeling so far.
I will not stop going to social events that involve alcohol, nor will I preach or shun anyone who drinks. This is MY lifestyle choice, my decision and my path because it’s the only one I could choose given moderation was not something I could do. I have accepted that and have moved on.
The next part is just simply LIVING life… without ‘da Booze!