I know that many refer to the voices in our heads as “Wolfie” and I have to say that for me – perhaps this is not a good thing. You see, for me the Wolf is a sign of strength. The picture above is a poster I found at a trading post years ago and it was my inspiration to make many changes in my life including leaving an addiction to oxy’s, and making my big move to my current city (leaving my home town of just over 40 years) to start fresh and on my own in many ways.
I need to come up with another identifier because this one doesn’t work for me. It’s like contradicting the strength images that have carried me to where I am today. I have wolf blankets and this pic below – I’m not sure if you can see it but it was a photo I took on a hike at Onaping Falls and I couldn’t believe it – as I saw the face of a wolf in the water… do you see it?
So yes, there’s a wolfie in my life, but he’s been my strength and power symbol. When it comes to the voices in my head as I try to ride this sober car – I don’t know what to call it.
Tonight was another really difficult night (although I had an excellent day with friends who helped me install the AC and then we went swimming and had a nice BBQ dinner together). My daughter asked to talk to me… and I knew by the way she approached me that it would have to do with her self-harming issues. Sure enough – she has cut again (first time since June 23). AND she also took some laxatives and melatonin on Friday while I was at work (needless to say everything is locked up again). She didn’t take enough to do any damage but it did make her feel sick. She handed in the blades she used to cut and the tools she used to take apart the sharpeners (that she found at friends’ this time). We had a long talk and we agreed on a safety plan and she committed to being safe and NOT self-harm. Thankfully we have counseling and the psychiatrist appointment this week.
So Wolfie is here with me – but in strength tonight. I heard the voices calling today when I was enjoying the day with my friends – craved the drink a bit but kept busy. So I’m riding the sober car – day 5 today. The thought of caving in was averted and you know why? A lot of it had to do with this blog… because I really do want to lose the ‘habit’ in that I don’t want to fall back into old patterns, but rather want to build new and healthier ones.
So there’s a point for this girl tonight. Time to call it a night.